How Can I Sleep?

How can I sleep
when my mind is fiending
for some growth
The bottom of the heap is
where I came from
I’ma go
wherever I choose
There’s no restrictions on this road
If I think it, I conceive it
so I’m working on these goals
D.T. Ruth

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D.T. Ruth & Pmiller – Hangman

“Hangman” is the first song Pmiller & I released so it’s fitting that it was chosen as our first video. The animation was done by Ian Newton and he did a great job bringing us to life as cartoons. When my journey as a writer evolved to making music I never really saw myself getting in front of a camera to shoot videos and it turns out that animations are the perfect answer for camera shyness.

This video was released on January 1st so it’s not necessarily new but I just started being active on my personal blog so I’m going to be posting some of my past work in here to get it archived. You’ve been warned.

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Be You. Live R.E.A.L.

D.T. Ruth & PMiller – Rinse and Repeat

My latest collaboration with PMiller entitled “Rinse and Repeat” is available to stream on all platforms. My verse is an introspective about decisions I’ve made in my past and how I’ve changed significantly to focus on what I need to get accomplished to make my dreams come true.

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Be You. Live R.E.A.L.

“A Thousand Poems” by D.T. Ruth

I think I wrote a thousand poems that you ain’t read,
not one.
I didn’t have the heart to tell you that I was in love.
And now I lose myself in thought,
in thoughts of what once was.
In thoughts of what we could have been if I wasn’t on drugs.
Now the feeling that comes over me, this sentimental rush,
is closing on me fast and I’m abashed and I just tuck
myself away to hide the pain but that’s never enough.
I see your face in window panes but never feel your touch.Ā 

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My Dreams

It feels like I’m always longing for something and I can’t quite verbalize what that “something” is. I’ve been dreaming about running this company for years and as I look back on the journey I can’t imagine doing things differently. At the same time I have the self-awareness to know that even though I spent a substantial amount of time and energy on my projects I probably could have done more to further my cause. And yet, I have no clue what more I could have done.

These aren’t fully formed thoughts and if you’re reading this then you could probably tell that I’m conflicted. On one hand, my company is over ten years old and hasn’t had any significant income in over 8 years. On the other hand, 8 years ago I had the crazy idea that maybe the future would be based on online communities and that I should start my own. Fast forward to today and my network has grown to include 8 active brands/segments with 200,000 total followers and a monthly reach of a million people per month. The reach is impressive but the financials are not. I have not monetized our following in any way and my company brought in $0 last year. I’m not embarrassed by it. But I really didn’t think it would take me this long to get there and, naturally, I’ve questioned myself several times.

However, I’ve learned that the overwhelming dreams are the best ones to have because they fill you with a sense of purpose. My dream gives me something to constantly chase. Maybe it’s not meant to be realized and maybe that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I try to stay focused on the dream and take steps to achieve my goals. Maybe all this time I’ve been building the foundation and the next 20 years will be dedicated to finishing a skyscraper. And maybe I was supposed to learn to fully embrace myself as a writer before I thought of myself as an entrepreneur. There’s a ton of maybes and more will pop up along the way. That’s part of the fun.

Be You. Live R.E.A.L.

New York – Agenda Emerge – (11/22 – 11/26)

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First and foremost you’re going to have to pardon my horrible photography skills. I did the best I could with my Iphone 4 (I know, prehistoric right?) dangling over the edge of the GE building and Empire State Building. All I could think about was the crater my phone was going to leave on the sidewalk 1,000 feet below us. Or the crater it would leave on somebody’s head. Or what my body would look like if I fell. Thoughts like: would I die before I hit the ground or on impact crossed my mind. I started getting dizzy. A bit woozy. And then I said, “OK, let’s keep it moving”. Hence, I didn’t take many pictures from the top of these great landmarks. I didn’t really take many outdoor pictures at all. It was too brick for all that.. TOO COLD. FREEZING, in fact.

Moving on, by now I’m guessing that you’ve figured out where I was a little over a week ago. If you didn’t get it after reading the title that’s kind of sketchy. If you still didn’t get it after I wrote about my phone dangling over the edge of the Empire State Building then SHAME ON YOU. Anyway, I traveled to New York to attend Agenda Emerge, a fantastic speaker series hosted by Group Y that brings moguls from  the streetwear/retail industry together to bestow their knowledge on whoever is lucky enough to purchase tickets. The event I attended had a success-studded lineup that included: Bobby Hundreds, Johnny Cupcakes, Jeff Staple, and Marc Ecko (in order of presentation). It was amazing. So amazing I blogged about it right when I got back to my cousins house- you can read my response to it HERE.

However, Agenda was on Thursday and I stayed in New York until Sunday.  Which meant I had plenty of time to reminisce. Plenty of time to wander the streets I used to loiter on. And plenty of time to sight see, becoming a tourist in the city I once called home . Correction- becoming a tourist in the city I STILL call home.

At first it felt like I was a stranger in my own town. It had been 6 years since the last time I saw the park I used to frequent on 85th and 30th. 8 years since I moved to Florida. I was a stranger.

I took a nostalgic stroll around Queens. Walked by my old house. Passed the bodega I used to frequent. Bought Tims at the Modell’s I sometimes copped my Js. Took my old route to 82nd street and Roosevelt, passing the elementary/middle school I attended (St. Joan of Arc). I also walked by City Jeans (another place I used to harass for Js back in the day on 82nd street and 37th ave). And then hopped on the 7 train I used almost every weekday for two years to get to my high school (School of the Future).

As I walked the streets of Manhattan I was hit with an influx of beautiful memories. Memories of taking the subway to school every day. Memories of great times I had with my friends. Of the laughs we had. The crushes I had. The dumb sh!t I did. It was a great feeling to be back in the city that raised me.

The walls I used to tag up with my paint marker looked completely different. But the feeling was the same. I was home.

The day after Agenda Emerge my girlfriend got to town and we immediately set out to Manhattan so I could give her a tour of New York City. Turns out I’m not that great of a tour guide. My sense of direction stinks. And after not navigating the trains for 8 years I was more than rusty. It was funny at times as I pretended to know where I was going, got lost, and luckily ran into something I could point out. But these “somethings” we ran into were great “somethings”, like the New York Public Library. I have been in that library numerous times in my life and was never as happy to see it as I was that day when we ran into it.

It’s crazy how when you live in New York you can easily take everything for granted. I’ve been to Rockefeller Center countless times in my life. My mother brought my siblings and I to see the Christmas tree there almost every year. Yet up until last week I knew close to nothing about all the art out in the open for people to see. Or the history behind it. We learned these things by taking a guided tour around Rockefeller Center that concluded with a trip to the Top of the Rock, an observatory deck at the top of the GE building that is absolutely breathtaking. The picture up above was taken as I was half crapping bricks / half acting as a professional photographer.

We visited St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Ate at a burger joint around the area. And then hit Moma (blog pending- the art needs a blog post of it’s own).

The following morning we visited the 9/11 Memorial to pay our respects to the lives lost that fateful day. We briefly walked by Wall Street afterwards and then headed back to Queens to spend some time with my family. We got to see my little cousin’s basketball game, ate lunch as a family, and watched a movie. When the sun went down we decided it was time to see the main event of our weekend, the Empire State Building. The wind chill felt as if it could pierce through skin. And my girlfriend and I felt like the weather was catching up to us-  the coughs, sneezing, and mucus running down our noses evidence of our bodies attempt to keep us healthy. But we worked our way through the cold and eventually got to the top of the Empire State Building where, due to the freezing cold weather, we spent nearly 45 minutes attempting to see New York from every side of the building.

The weekend in New York was a great getaway. A learning experience that furthered my resolve to keep building my brand. It validated my goals and made me realize that starting my own business is the only route that would make me truly happy with my professional career. Having my girlfriend there to share the experience with me was also unforgettable. We had a great time taking guided tours and sightseeing (something I never thought I’d do in New York). And as always we nerded out at a museum.

Anyway, till next time…Be Cool. Stay Fresh. Live REAL.

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Little Kenny

Sometimes I put my pen to pad and a short story comes out…sometimes the beginning of a novel that I never finish comes out.

Today…a poem came out…I call it “Little Kenny” for lack of a better title:

Little Kenny found a pistol in his daddy’s closet.

He was only three years old but old enough to hold the handle.

Pick the pistol up, stare into the barrel.

The sorrow is he pulled.

Red on his apparel now he laying in a pool of his own blood as the shot rang ’round the room.

On the floor is where his nanny found him.

On the phone, 911, she dialing.

Mother crying, dad distraught cuz he’s at fault.

A year later, talks about divorce, of fucking course.

In the middle of debacle there’s still trouble with their teen.

Who lost his little brother and mourned by smoking weed.

Got a PhD in heroin, became a petty fiend.

Robbing dealers with a kitchen knife, becoming just a bum.

A slave to heavy drugs.

They found him in a hotel room, syringe still in his arm.

His heart wasn’t beating.

But the pain? It lived on.

This a story ’bout some carelessness and what it can do.

Heed the warnings in this poem or it can happen to you.

THE END.

A little demented but like I said…I let my pen write for me. What comes out, comes out.

So it goes.